Well...it's been a minute. I didn't forget about blogging..it's almost like I make myself not resort to blogging. Like I am "saying too much" when I do.. but then I realize that I am human and I choose not to bottle up my own feelings about my own self, live and opinions to spare someone else. Folks can too choose.. whether to read my blogs or not. Cuz it's my spot. lol
When I was last here, I had just basically hit a crucial breakdown point mentally, emotionally, professionally and physically. At least someone or something was compromised in every area of my life. As a family member, as an employee, as a girlfriend, as an employee, as a mother and most importantly, as a human being. After many years of working so hard to be the best I could possibly be as a mother, a person.., I got to a point where I felt like the biggest failure quite frankly. So worthless and so unattractive. Not feelings that work well with me considering my past. These feelings are not an option. Not anymore.
I will spare us all the details of the depressive, disgusted, sad, angry, hurt stages of this "process" I am going through and have been since I left off on the last blog, which has now been almost a couple of months.... Without further explanation, just know.. it's been really difficult. I don't like how I feel and certainly don't like the me I was becoming and will become if I don't make changes. I have actually become a little empowered and really dedicated to being a happier and better person. For me and my kids... and for those closest to me.
When I was a young girl and throughout my teen and early adult years, I kept reminding myself that I made a decision many many years ago, I promised and was adamant that I would not allow anything or anyone to compromise my happiness or my ability to be the mother my children deserved. I have wanted nothing more but to be happy and to make sure my children were happy.. to give them a better childhood than I experienced. Mine was a bit rocky.. for various reasons... (that I will get into in more detail when I write my book. lol) The bottom line is that I always told myself that my children were going to have good memories and know they were loved. And the thought of having them to love me in return made it worth every ounce of my heart and soul.
In order to hold up to my committment, I have to figure out a way to like me. To be selfish and look out for me and my kids at all costs. I am on a mission folks. The only way I can change how things are is to do something about it. The same actions produce the same results and I am not digging the results right now. My kids only get one childhood and we all only get one life; and for how long we have no idea...
I don't know about you, but I have busted my ass way to hard for way too long to let anyone or anything ruin what I have worked for. I may not always have everything I want, and I may not think certain things are fair, but I am thankful for what I have and have worked very hard to be where I am. I have made it through enough emotional and physical pain for two or three people.. and I will kill myself striving to beat the game that so many others are playing. Regardless of anyone else, I plan to keep it real because that's who I am. I know who I want to be and what I stand for. It's time to stop justifying to everyone else and live with peace of mind knowing I can rest easy at night without having to second guess a thing.
"Don’t give up. There are too many nay-sayers out there who will try to discourage you. Don’t listen to them. The only one who can make you give up is yourself." – Sidney Sheldon
Food for thought: We only have one shot at this. We have to turn our trials into lessons that prepare us as we move forward in this thing called life. The longer we let things weigh us down, the longer time that's spent on unhappiness. We cannot force others to feel as we want them to feel, to think the way we wish they would think and to love, care and respect us the way we desire them to. The only people who are going to look out for us the way we need looked out for is ourselves. Be proud of who you are and go after what you want and deserve. Know that you are worth it. Surround yourself with those that want the best and genuinely and unconditionally care about you. Rid yourself of those people/things that stand in the way of happiness and respect. Who do you want to be remembered as? What do you want for yourself? Make it happen peeps!
"Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail"
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
~Stay tuned for a finely tuned Holly. Time to turn pain into gain. Thanks for letting me be human and for listening to my insomniatic ramblings. I hope my experiences can inspire you in some way. To show you that even when things get rough, you truly have the power to turn them around somehow. Keep watching. I may frustrate ya, but I won't fail ya! lol : )
