Get ready folks. The gal that holds everything in.... the one that wears the cape.... the single mother that has busted her booty for so long is about to explode.
I lost my ever loving mind at work today. Lost it. As I sit and think about all of the things piling up, five people including me, worked on the same entire project all day with no lunch... This particular project also had a later deadline than some other pressing projects pending on my plate nonetheless... Not to mention the multiple emails popping up every several minutes with more requests for more reports, for more research, etc. I then couldn't stop thinking about the fact that all this work, that desperately needed done... that typically I would just plan on spending the night, but that my kids needed me tonight. They both had plans for once, and it was very important to me as a mother, as a human being, to make my kids happy. At least give them the opportunity to get out of the house so they weren't cooped up without me, and they could hang with friends. My son later text me once to ask for money, (which is another stressful situation and I snapped uncontrollably on him for asking me about money in the middle of a stressful work day) and my daughter then called to tell me her friend cancelled on her. She was so sad. I knew at that moment, I would be spending the night with her, making her feel special. I also had plans to see my neice off to homecoming with the rest of my family,taking pictures of this very special time in her life. It was important to me. I made it clear I would have to leave work at 5:00 via email and as I sent that email, I was so relieved to have also sent the report our group finally finished.. I sent the report off to our client.
Unfortunately, directly following, I received feedback from my boss that she didn't feel what was sent was appropriate. By trying to fulfil a deadline early at the wishes of others, apparently I failed to think like someone else thinks and failed to go above and beyond what the client asked for. I was focused on finishing the task, while meeting the needs of the client and the direction of my boss. My thinking wasn't good enough and once again, I disappointed someone. I started having trouble breathing, pains in my side and got dizzy. I immediately sent an email to my boss that I had to go and to apply sick time if necessary, but I was done. Period.
I was balling and hyperventilating the entire way home. Thinking about all of the things (some of which happening in just the last two weeks) that have been going in my life. Close family members (multiple) with major health issues, being betrayed by someone I love with all of my heart and soul... again.....Major financial decisions... Working non-stop, kids having issues in school... (not major, but continues to prove my absence as a mother)....preparing for a move of home and schools... daughter getting ready to go away for an entire year... I have met my max. Face to face.
I came home and checked on my kids and told my son to get ready so I could take him to his friends. I called my sister and told her as I could barely breathe that I would not be able to come see Alaysia off to homecoming and that Kallie's friend bailed on her and wondered if she could hang out with her and the rest of my family instead of dealing with a very unstable mother. Heather obviously agreed. I dropped both kids off to their destinations (Kallie first) and that's when Jalen and I had a chance to talk.
As I was driving my son to his friend's house to stay the night. On the way there, he looked at me and said, "Mom, the first thing you need to do is get a new job. Find something you like... something that makes you happy." I started balling. All these years, I have worked so hard, so many hours, been nearly absent from my children's lives...I have tried to be the best mother I can be to provide for my children and give them the childhood they deserve by working, working, working.... The sad thing... they get that... they are great kids.. they are so responsible, smart, loving, independent.... and they are fine with that except when they not only have to sacrifice time, but they sacrifice happiness... confidence... my faith in them... respect... a mother...
Jalen talked to me about how he was always expected to be the happy, positive kid... the one that makes everyone laugh.. He said he bottled up his feelings and then exploded when he couldn't take it anymore. He had tears in his eyes. I realized in listening to my son talk about who he was... that he was me. Just like me. That's what happened today. I was human. I allowed myself to be human. I told my son to always allow himself to do that. To always keep it real. Not to let others determine his destiny, happiness,etc. I told him to never be afraid of expressing how he feels. That if you don't tell people how you feel, you are not only cheating yourself, but you are cheating them. I know because I am a victim of it and I certainly don't wish that type of pain on my child; although I know one day he will have to face it because although we are human... there aren't many people that allow themselves to be.
There are far too many people very close to me suffering in their health and it's an extra reminder that life is too damn short. Life is not fair. Love hurts and people hurt more. The only person that is going to look out for us the way we need to be is ourselves. Trust is always questionable. So sad, but true. I have said it before and I will say it again, if people were able to just keep it 100% 100% of the time, life would not be this complicated. If you love someone love them. If you want respect, give it. Be true to yourself and others. Plain and simple...
I can't tell you why I am not good enough for others. I keep trying to figure that out and I can't. Despite the amount of times I try to communicate, provide opportunities for the truth... to be open and honest... and I try so hard to analyze as best as possible... but I have to admit, it gets tiring. When you realize that things are simply not good for you... almost detrimental to your health... when you are faced with the reality by those close to you that life is too short... you have to make a choice. Let the things you cannot control, control you OR take control and beat them.
I told my son to never give up and to never let other things or people beat you when you know you are keeping it real and being true to yourself and others. I am not going to dish out advice to my son that I don't plan to follow myself. I am DONE letting other people tell me who I am, what my future needs to be and not give me the general respect I deserve and give to them. Not in work and not at home. DONE! If I need to vent and you don't care to hear it, don't listen, but don't disregard me and my feelings with hurtful, heartless, disrespect. Because I will NEVER bow down to that! I know who I am and I like who I am. I am not afraid to feel and not afraid to express my feelings. I may be able to take a lot or sometimes I may be too emotional for some to handle, but one thing I am not is someone that will compromise my future by the mistakes of my past.
I am hurt. I am confused, disgusted, angry, sad, and just plain maxed out. I want to be loved and genuinely respected. However, I cannot continue to waste more time trying to force someone else to give it and treating me as if I am stupid, non-human, in the process. I may be strong and able to handle a lot, but that doesn't mean I am ever ok with being taken advantage of or betrayed. I have invested too much time into things that are not good for me. If I continue, I allow it to have my life and my happiness. I plan to stand up for myself and not allow anymore time to waste when the future appears gloomy. I have far better ideas and talking about them doesn't get me anywhere. In the meantime, I have a job to do as a mother. That comes first. My children learn by me.
Jalen told me tonight to start blogging and that I needed to get it out. He said he has been looking for blogs since I started this. He said I needed an outlet. So, for those of you allowing me to have that and reading this, thank you. I will get back up. I have no choice. In the meantime, thank you for your prayers, your support and for allowing me to be human. Don't be afraid to be the same...Always stand up for yourself, and always keep it real.
