Road Trip

What I have experienced in the last couple of days is more than just a road trip.  It's a life trip.  I said goodbye to my only daughter so she could spend the next 10 months with her Dad.  I battled with this.  Kallie's Dad originally came to me many months ago kindly asking me to consider it.  I am not going to lie... whe he first brought Kallie coming to South Carolina for nearly a year... I couldn't fathom it.  I couldn't imagine my daughter being away from me that long.  When we discussed further, we made a decision to allow Kallie to gave input on what she would want to do; with no coaxing or forcing on our parts.  Then, things started happening on their own.  We had to move out of our old house and found a place that was cheaper, closer to work and in the same school district.  It was a blessing.  The only thing is both of my kids would have to attend different schools due to the new address.  With that being said, I started thinking more about Kallie going with her Dad's.  (with some subtle hints from her... ; ) )  If Kallie was going to have to switch schools anyway, this started feeling like a good time to allow Kallie the opportunity to spend more time with her Dad.  It's what she wanted; and really what she needs in her life.  I believe in all my heart, I have made the right decision for my daughter.  I no longer thought about my own selfishness of just keeping her here for me.  My daughter deserves more and I want her to know how much I love her.  I am proud of her for having the courage to make such a drastic and adventurous change for such a young girl.  I am honored to have such a courageous daughter.  : )  I will miss her very much, but I know she is smiling and that will make me smile too.  When I dropped Kallie off, I felt this sense of calmness.  I knew she was going to be ok, but I also felt so relaxed and different than I personally have in a very long time.  I was able to actually rest my mind... just be me.  It was nice and it's been too long.  Kallie was having us put songs in a jar for her to pick to sing.  She loved the genuine audience she had and we enjoyed seeing her so happy.  Little things like cooking dinner, eating, doing dishes, coloring together, made this weekend one that I will never forget. 

Hi... It's me again... : ) buckle up!

Well...it's been a minute.  I didn't forget about blogging..it's almost like I make myself not resort to blogging.  Like I am "saying too much" when I do.. but then I realize that I am human and I choose not to bottle up my own feelings about my own self, live and opinions to spare someone else.  Folks can too choose.. whether to read my blogs or not.  Cuz it's my spot.  lol

When I was last here, I had just basically hit a crucial breakdown point mentally, emotionally, professionally and physically.  At least someone or something was compromised in every area of my life.  As a family member, as an employee, as a girlfriend, as an employee, as a mother and most importantly, as a human being. After many years of working so hard to be the best I could possibly be as a mother, a person.., I got to a point where I felt like the biggest failure quite frankly.  So worthless and so unattractive.  Not feelings that work well with me considering my past.  These feelings are not an option.  Not anymore. 

I will spare us all the details of the depressive, disgusted, sad, angry, hurt stages of this "process" I am going through and have been since I left off on the last blog, which has now been almost a couple of months....   Without further explanation, just know.. it's been really difficult.  I don't like how I feel and certainly don't like the me I was becoming and will become if I don't make changes.  I have actually become a little empowered and really dedicated to being a happier and better person.  For me and my kids... and for those closest to me. 

When I was a young girl and throughout my teen and early adult years, I kept reminding myself that I made a decision many many years ago, I promised and was adamant that I would not allow anything or anyone to compromise my happiness or my ability to be the mother my children deserved.  I have wanted nothing more but to be happy and to make sure my children were happy.. to give them a better childhood than I experienced. Mine was a bit rocky.. for various reasons... (that I will get into in more detail when I write my book. lol) The bottom line is that I always told myself that my children were going to have good memories and know they were loved.  And the thought of having them to love me in return made it worth every ounce of my heart and soul. 

In order to hold up to my committment, I have to figure out a way to like me.  To be selfish and look out for me and my kids at all costs.  I am on a mission folks. The only way I can change how things are is to do something about it.  The same actions produce the same results and I am not digging the results right now.  My kids only get one childhood and we all only get one life; and for how long we have no idea...

I don't know about you, but I have busted my ass way to hard for way too long to let anyone or anything ruin what I have worked for.  I may not always have everything I want, and I may not think certain things are fair, but I am thankful for what I have and have worked very hard to be where I am.  I have made it through enough emotional and physical pain for two or three people.. and I will kill myself striving to beat the game that so many others are playing.  Regardless of anyone else, I plan to keep it real because that's who I am.  I know who I want to be and what I stand for.  It's time to stop justifying to everyone else and live with peace of mind knowing I can rest easy at night without having to second guess a thing.

"Don’t give up. There are too many nay-sayers out there who will try to discourage you. Don’t listen to them. The only one who can make you give up is yourself." – Sidney Sheldon

Food for thought:  We only have one shot at this.  We have to turn our trials into lessons that prepare us as we move forward in this thing called life. The longer we let things weigh us down, the longer time that's spent on unhappiness.  We cannot force others to feel as we want them to feel, to think the way we wish they would think and to love, care and respect us the way we desire them to. The only people who are going to look out for us the way we need looked out for is ourselves.  Be proud of who you are and go after what you want and deserve.  Know that you are worth it.  Surround yourself with those that want the best and genuinely and unconditionally care about you.  Rid yourself of those people/things that stand in the way of happiness and respect. Who do you want to be remembered as?  What do you want for yourself?  Make it happen peeps!

"Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail"
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

~Stay tuned for a finely tuned Holly.  Time to turn pain into gain.  Thanks for letting me be human and for listening to my insomniatic ramblings.  I hope my experiences can inspire you in some way.  To show you that even when things get rough, you truly have the power to turn them around somehow.  Keep watching.  I may frustrate ya, but I won't fail ya!  lol  : )

Let Me Be Human...

Get ready folks.  The gal that holds everything in.... the one that wears the cape.... the single mother that has busted her booty for so long is about to explode. 

I lost my ever loving mind at work today.  Lost it.  As I sit and think about all of the things piling up, five people including me, worked on the same entire project all day with no lunch... This particular project also had a later deadline than some other pressing projects pending on my plate nonetheless... Not to mention the multiple emails popping up every several minutes with more requests for more reports, for more research, etc.  I then couldn't stop thinking about the fact that all this work, that desperately needed done... that typically I would just plan on spending the night, but that my kids needed me tonight.  They both had plans for once, and it was very important to me as a mother, as a human being, to make my kids happy.  At least give them the opportunity to get out of the house so they weren't cooped up without me, and they could hang with friends. My son later text me once to ask for money, (which is another stressful situation and I snapped uncontrollably on him for asking me about money in the middle of a stressful work day) and my daughter then called to tell me her friend cancelled on her.  She was so sad.  I knew at that moment, I would be spending the night with her, making her feel special.  I also had plans to see my neice off to homecoming with the rest of my family,taking pictures of this very special time in her life.  It was important to me.  I made it clear I would have to leave work at 5:00 via email and as I sent that email, I was so relieved to have also sent the report our group finally finished..  I sent the report off to our client.  

Unfortunately, directly following, I received feedback from my boss that she didn't feel what was sent was appropriate.  By trying to fulfil a deadline early at the wishes of others, apparently I failed to think like someone else thinks and failed to go above and beyond what the client asked for.  I was focused on finishing the task, while meeting the needs of the client and the direction of my boss.  My thinking wasn't good enough and once again, I disappointed someone.  I started having trouble breathing, pains in my side and got dizzy.  I immediately sent an email to my boss that I had to go and to apply sick time if necessary, but I was done.  Period. 

I was balling and hyperventilating the entire way home.  Thinking about all of the things (some of which happening in just the last two weeks) that have been going in my life.  Close family members (multiple) with major health issues, being betrayed by someone I love with all of my heart and soul... again.....Major financial decisions... Working non-stop, kids having issues in school... (not major, but continues to prove my absence as a mother)....preparing for a move of home and schools... daughter getting ready to go away for an entire year...  I have met my max.  Face to face.  

I came home and checked on my kids and told my son to get ready so I could take him to his friends.  I called my sister and told her as I could barely breathe that I would not be able to come see Alaysia off to homecoming and that Kallie's friend bailed on her and wondered if she could hang out with her and the rest of my family instead of dealing with a very unstable mother.  Heather obviously agreed.  I dropped both kids off to their destinations (Kallie first) and that's when Jalen and I had a chance to talk. 

As I was driving my son to his friend's house to stay the night.  On the way there, he looked at me and said, "Mom, the first thing you need to do is get a new job.  Find something you like... something that makes you happy."  I started balling.  All these years, I have worked so hard, so many hours, been nearly absent from my children's lives...I have tried to be the best mother I can be to provide for my children and give them the childhood they deserve by working, working, working.... The sad thing... they get that... they are great kids.. they are so responsible, smart, loving, independent.... and they are fine with that except when they not only have to sacrifice time, but they sacrifice happiness... confidence... my faith in them... respect... a mother...

Jalen talked to me about how he was always expected to be the happy, positive kid... the one that makes everyone laugh.. He said he bottled up his feelings and then exploded when he couldn't take it anymore.  He had tears in his eyes.  I realized in listening to my son talk about who he was... that he was me.  Just like me.  That's what happened today.  I was human.  I allowed myself to be human.  I told my son to always allow himself to do that.  To always keep it real.  Not to let others determine his destiny, happiness,etc.  I told him to never be afraid of expressing how he feels.  That if you don't tell people how you feel, you are not only cheating yourself, but you are cheating them.  I know because I am a victim of it and I certainly don't wish that type of pain on my child; although I know one day he will have to face it because although we are human... there aren't many people that allow themselves to be. 

There are far too many people very close to me suffering in their health and it's an extra reminder that life is too damn short.  Life is not fair.  Love hurts and people hurt more.  The only person that is going to look out for us the way we need to be is ourselves.  Trust is always questionable.  So sad, but true.  I have said it before and I will say it again, if people were able to just keep it 100% 100% of the time, life would not be this complicated.  If you love someone love them.  If you want respect, give it.  Be true to yourself and others.  Plain and simple...

I can't tell you why I am not good enough for others.  I keep trying to figure that out and I can't.  Despite the amount of times I try to communicate, provide opportunities for the truth... to be open and honest... and I try so hard to analyze as best as possible... but I have to admit, it gets tiring.  When you realize that things are simply not good for you... almost detrimental to your health... when you are faced with the reality by those close to you that life is too short... you have to make a choice.  Let the things you cannot control, control you OR take control and beat them. 

I told my son to never give up and to never let other things or people beat you when you know you are keeping it real and being true to yourself and others.  I am not going to dish out advice to my son that I don't plan to follow myself.  I am DONE letting other people tell me who I am, what my future needs to be and not give me the general respect I deserve and give to them.  Not in work and not at home.  DONE!  If I need to vent and you don't care to hear it, don't listen, but don't disregard me and my feelings with hurtful, heartless, disrespect.  Because I will NEVER bow down to that!  I know who I am and I like who I am.  I am not afraid to feel and not afraid to express my feelings.  I may be able to take a lot or sometimes I may be too emotional for some to handle, but one thing I am not is someone that will compromise my future by the mistakes of my past. 

I am hurt.  I am confused, disgusted, angry, sad, and just plain maxed out.  I want to be loved and genuinely respected.  However, I cannot continue to waste more time trying to force someone else to give it and treating me as if I am stupid, non-human, in the process.  I may be strong and able to handle a lot, but that doesn't mean I am ever ok with being taken advantage of or betrayed.  I have invested too much time into things that are not good for me.  If I continue, I allow it to have my life and my happiness.  I plan to stand up for myself and not allow anymore time to waste when the future appears gloomy.  I have far better ideas and talking about them doesn't get me anywhere.  In the meantime, I have a job to do as a mother.  That comes first.  My children learn by me. 

Jalen told me tonight to start blogging and that I needed to get it out.  He said he has been looking for blogs since I started this.  He said I needed an outlet.  So, for those of you allowing me to have that and reading this, thank you.  I will get back up.  I have no choice.  In the meantime, thank you for your prayers, your support and for allowing me to be human.  Don't be afraid to be the same...Always stand up for yourself, and always keep it real.  

Well... it's been well over a month since I entered the blogging world.  In the meantime, I have been dealing with life in general and all the ups and downs that go with it.  Things have been... heavy... to say the least. I need an outlet, so you fortunate friends out there taking the time to read this have the priveledge of being my outlet.  ; ) 

I am truly at a place where I am REALLY reflecting on everything I have experienced and comparing things to where I am now.  Although I realize I have come far, and I am EXTREMELY thankful for the wonderful things/people I do have, I can't help but to also face the reality that I am not where I want to be..not who I want to be....  Alot going through my mind....the strongest thing being the hard truth in the fact that life is too short and there is never a guarantee there will be a tomorrow.  Sometimes even when you are surrounded by people you can feel so lonely.  If I am going to feel alone, I may as well focus on getting to like me a little better.  I don't want to look back and feel regret.  I want to move forward and feel content.  Working hard is my specialty and giving up is never an option, regardless of how bad I may want to sometimes.  But there are things in my life that are optional and instead of demanding to never give up for the sake of not... I am coming at a point where I know for certain, that there are things we must let go of.  It doesn't mean we are giving up.  It means we are making a change that is necessary for us to have the capability to love ourselves more than those things that seem to break us down...   Nonetheless, it doesn't make it any easier to know how necessary it may be...."I may walk slow, but I don't walk backwards..."

Breaking the ice...

Welp.. I have finally done it.. I have created a blog spot.  I figure this is a place where I can spill it all out freely without overloading facebook... Look forward to sharing my thoughts, life, real talk and only hope I am able to inspire, relate to and provide entertainment to peeps out there.   More to come.. brace yourself.  LOL!